My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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