Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
