Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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