My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
