dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
