I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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