I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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