I didn't shave. On purpose
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
