It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
