Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
