And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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