just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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