So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
