WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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