when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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