i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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