the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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