I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
