My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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