That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
