Can i not drive my cunt home
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
