R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
