The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will be naked everywhere
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
