My Higher Power is John Stamos
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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