your thong is hanging out like whoa
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
