He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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