i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
