i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
