no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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