Life is so much better after having sex.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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