I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
