Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
