Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
