So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's blow job season.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I fill condoms, not promises.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Randomize
