You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You may now shotgun with the bride
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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