got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
