Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
