Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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