dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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