i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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