It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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