Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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