You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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