Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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