Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
