I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
