Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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