she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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