you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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