Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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