he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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