1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
