So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
