I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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