I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
