So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone stole a lamp last night.
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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