Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think my moral compass just broke
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
