At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
