now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
