i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
