I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
